phase transition
I'm most comfortable and lucid in my spiritual development when it's positively driven; that is, my hunger is driven by a pull towards something, even if I can't quite put words to that something (mystical union, peace of mind, Authenticity™️, etc). This is my comfort zone.
Sometimes, though, and especially lately, my seeking takes on a negatively driven character; my urgency is a push away from something, a desire for an absence. It feels, idk, passé? but right now my most urgent spiritual drive is to avoid nihilism.
That honestly hasn't been something I've worried about for a while. I've felt like the guardrails between me and the abyss have been plentiful and sturdy, and it's freed me up to explore with confidence. But it's always been possible to catch glances over the edge, and lately I worry that those same guardrails are channeling me directly towards the precipice.
It's comforting to hope that this might just be a seasonal shift. A winter of enduring and escaping to be followed anew by a summer of seeking and growing.