monasticism for freaks
on an average day, i probably spend at least a cumulative hour thinking about convents and nuns, amortized over myriad microdaydreams, a habit of thought triggered by waiting for the train, waking up with my coffee, sitting on the toilet, drifting off to sleep.
how does one discern between a monastic calling and an escapist fantasy? is there a button test or COGIATI for solemn vows? some of these daydreams even involve an element of coercion—forced nunnification, if you must—that plays the usual role of externalizing the internal conflict and absolving me of the need to confront my desires.
let's ground the discussion in the contemporary realities of monastic life for a moment. firstly, and obviously, i am a trans woman. this is a severe constraint on the set of religious orders i could even consider joining in principle. there are a handful, believe it or not, primarily among "high church protestant" traditions like anglicanism or lutheranism, but any of the more historically attested monastic traditions are categorically off limits.
more structurally important, however, are the economic realities of monasticism. in an age where most christians live in (at least partially) liberal, secular societies, there is no ecclesiastical authority welded to imperial power to force allocation of that society's resources toward religious institutions. in an age of industrialized and globalized production, monasteries struggle to compete to support themselves through books or culinary goods, outside of a few niche breweries and the like here and there. scholarly progress is now the domain of (at least partially) secular universities. the historical proliferation of monasteries, particularly in "western" christianity, simply cannot be justified or sustained anymore. they're unlikely to disappear entirely any time soon, but the sector is certainly undergoing a radical downsizing, even moreso for denominations and churches without the historical and economic heft of the roman catholic church.
there's also the realities of my life situation. i am on a trajectory for an academic career that, at least by the standards of this wretched and embattled institution, seems pretty promising. i am in a deeply enriching and committed relationship with a woman who i can't remotely stomach the thought of abandoning. any effort to remove myself from society in the way a monastic order would require would leave a horrid gash in the social fabric i'm so enmeshed in. these truths, i suspect, are some of the best evidence that my real vocation lies outside of the cloisters.
i have no doubt that my fantasy of life as a nun is romanticized to the point of distortion. i envision simplicity, routine, and communal harmony borne of common divine purpose and explicit rule-based order. i envision a kind of empowering isolation from the wider world that i suspect is completely impossible to enforce now. i envision angels where there are, in fact, humans.
for all these reasons and more, i have long accepted that escapism is the true driving force behind these fantasies, but that hasn't lessened their hold on my attention. where does this leave me? what spiritual hunger remains unsated, and what hope do i have of seeking relief from it? would more structure and depth in prayer and sacramental practice suffice? greater involvement in lay ministries in my church? do i just need to mourn properly the closing of a door that began well before i was born?